Monday, 3 July 2017

Things are Changing

Its been over a year since I last wrote for this blog. At the time my life was a whirlwind, I was finishing up my second year of University, I had secured a much desired internship for the summer, and I was working on creating a new online magazine for women. Flash forward one year and almost two months later and I find myself sat alone at the kitchen table having finsihed University, with no plans for the summer, and no money to maintin the online magazine that I had been working on all year. I had dreams of this summer being the best yet, of my move to London, securing an internship in a field I truly cared about, spending time with my boyfriend and friends, and creating online content for a project I had been planning for an entire year. But unfortunately life hasn't worked out the way I wanted it to. It wasn't just that I failed to secure an internship, although that is true, it was as if once one thing started to go wrong, and I lost control of  steering my life in the right direction, more and more things began to fly out of my grasp.

Things began to unravel eleven days before my finals, when I got sick. This resulted in me having my appendix removed a week before my finals, and I had to let go of the grades I had been striving so hard to get. I will still graduate on the 12th July with a 2:1, but it isn't the 1st that I desperately desired. Once my exams were completed, and I believed that I was on the road to recovery, things continued to change, and not in the direction that I wanted them to. The biopsy of my appendix revealed something unexpected, and I was told that I would need more surgery after my graduation to rectify the problem. People tell me that really I am quite lucky, that finding this problem now would save me a lot of pain and anguish in the future, and I am glad. I am glad the problem is minor and easy to fix, but the surgery has prevented me from moving to London when I desired, and with regular doctors appointments and a surgery scheduled for mid-July, has also prevented me from picking up part-time work. This has led me unable to afford to maintain my online magazine, which you, my readers, will never actually get to see, at least not for the forseable future.

Then there were the rest of my plans for the summer, of spending time with my boyfriend and friends, the majority who are in London. Those who are not are busy themselves, working or on holiday. Unforseable circumstances have meant that I have had to cancel many of the things I was looking forward to, a wedding, evenings spent in the park with friends, and spending time with the person who I thought would be with me the most. It turned out I was living in a fairytale, and once I lost the ability to steer my life in the direction I wanted to, the castle and its turrets, the beautiful singing birds, the knight in shining armour and the idea that all would be magical and rosy quickly fell away too. Things changed. I was living in a fairytale until life came and slapped me awake.

Yet, as my plans have been forced to change, and I find myself spending the majority of time alone, waiting for the next doctors appointment, I find myself turning back to this blog for solace and comfort. Those of you who have been with me since the beginning will know that I first started this blog as a form of therapy during a summer very much like this one is turning out to be, spent in solace and awaiting the next doctors appointment. Although my dreams and fairytale vision has ended for now, it doesn't mean that I can't create a better reality, or at least try to. Obviously I can't change the fact that I will have surgery, and doctors observing me and prodding me for the forseable future, but  I can at least change the bits in between. I can work on creating content that I love for a blog that I have unduly neglected for too long. I can work on myself, and becoming the person that I want to be for myself, and not for others. I can finally graduate from the place I spent the last three years of my life, the place that has helped mould me into the person I am today.

Life may not have gone the way I wanted it, nor expected it. I may now, more than ever feel alone and out of place, and wildly unsucessful compared to the group of talented people I have chosen to surround myself with. But to do nothing would be to accept defeat, and if there's one thing that the turmoil of the past month and a half has taught me is that I, Hope Butler, am not preapared to roll over and accept fate. I want to change. I want to change myself, my situation, and change fate. And this blog may just be the place to start.


1 comment

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