Monday, 6 July 2015

Letting Go




For me, letting go has always been the hardest thing to do. Ever since I was a little girl I thought that if I just tried hard enough, wished hard enough, or was good enough, that things would work out, that I'd get the grade I wanted, that I'd get my happy ending.

As I've grown older I still haven't learnt how to let go, particularly when it comes to relationships. I'm a romantic at heart, someone who believes that showing someone you care, striving for them and showing them you are never going to give up, regardless of what has to happen to get there. Maybe my head is just full of classic romance couples, such as Elizabeth and Mr Darcy, Catherine and Mr Tilney, or even the modern day TV couple Chuck and Blair, but something inside me just has the inability to let go. Its as if I'm a small child desperately clingin to a balloon thats dragging me away, but I just don't want to loose it.

I'm not a total optimist, sometimes things just aren't right at certain times. Sometimes distance, struggling lives, or illness can drive a wedge between relationships. Sometimes the timing is just wrong, or one person needs to grow and change, find out who they are before they commit to something more. I believe that sometimes there's too much friction to fight through, and you just have to hold them a little bit further away so you don't end up suffocating each other. But I don't believe in completely loosing touch whilst all this happens. I fear that if you just truly let go, that you'll forget what you enjoyed about the other person, what made them great in your eyes. This goes for friendships as much as it goes for relationships.

And it is for this reason that I can never truly let go of anything, especially when I feel that something unjust is also underfoot. If you care about someone, how can you ever let them go? How can you let go of a friendship just because it can't be everything you'd hoped or wanted for right now? Just because life is difficult or complicated shouldn't mean you should loose them forever? Or am I being naive?

I try to do the right thing, to go on with my life, better myself and be a good and just person, but every time I take a hit, every time someone chooses to walk out of my life, drop me or ignore me, I feel worthless. And now, someone who I thought was my best friend, and would never truly leave me no matter how different or how far away our lives are, has left me, and I'm wondering whether maybe  its true. Maybe I am a bad person, maybe I'm worthless, a nobody, someone who deserves to get repeatedly knocked down. I've tried to talk my self out of it, tried to desperately better myself, but if someone you respect and love so much can drop your friendship so easily, then how can it not mean something? It must mean that part of you, no matter how small, is worthless or insignificant in their eyes?

I guess it would be easier if it hadn't been the first time someone had dropped me like a hot potato, but I'm afraid this latest blow, a blow from someone I never expected to walk away from me, to stop being my friend has left me broken for good. And maybe whether letting go first, completely loosing hope when life pushed us apart, and moving on would have been the easier option, but thats just not who I am.

For now I'm just going to focus on myself. So many people are making me feel worthless, insignificant and small and I have got to let it stop. I have to continue to be good, to push and prove myself, to do the right thing, take the high road, and help those less fortunate than me, not to prove my worth to others, but to prove it to myself. To show myself that although part of me may be broken, I'm still alive and kicking and very fortunate, and I am worth so much, I just need to make myself realise it!

That doesn't mean I'm letting go, I'm never going to let go of those I truly love and care for, no matter how they hurt me, I'll always be there for them, because that's what you do for someone you love. You're there for them, you don't force them or stop them from doing anything. You don't tell them what they can and can't do, who they can and can't be friends with, and who they should be. You're there for them and you support them, no matter what. And you're there for them whenever they need you.

But for now I'm going to focus on me, to live my life to the fullest and be the person I truly want to be, and as always I will live by some of Blair Waldorf's sound advice:

"Destiny is for losers. It's just a stupid excuse to wait for things to happen instead of making them happen"

and

"If you really want something you don't stop for anyone or anything until you get it"
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