Tuesday, 23 June 2015

Friends




People often baffle me. They are unpredictable, unreadable, and they often lie. I like to be able to plan ahead, feel comfortable, and always have an exit strategy, and when it comes down to having relations with people, that isn't always possible.

When I was around about twelve I started to obssess about having an exit strategy. I wouldn't cross over small bridges for fear of getting caught, I would think of the best places to hide in the event of an earthquake, even though I live in the UK, a pretty much free earthquake zone. Going to the main hospital would freak me out, as the tables near the entrance were round, with one central leg, and that wouldn't protect me in an earthquake, and on top of that the car park was multi-storey, what if it crushed us? I began to always think the worst, I tried to plan my way out of the pain and destruction that I thought could come, and its  exactly what I did and still do when it comes to relationships.

Like I said, friends are unpredictable. I'd always assume they'd leave me in the end, stop being my friend, exclude me and even keep secrets from me (which did actually end up happening btw). But I wanted friends so badly that I kept trying, trying to reassure myself they liked me, attempting to look my best in the hope that appearances would count for something, actively quashing the little voices inside my head that kept telling me 'They don't like you' and 'You don't belong'.

And now I sit hear, as a nineteen year old, having finished her first term of university, in the same boat. Friends from home have different lives now, and although one girl (a girl who if she's reading this is lovely and amazing, and I am truly grateful for) has tried to contact me, to stay in touch, the others haven't. Other than people I lived with in halls I've made little friends.

I feel like a buzzkill, a nobody and a loner. My mother is always telling me its my extreme shyness that makes me look unapproachable, but how can I mask the fear I feel around people I so badly want to be friends with. Sometimes I try not to care, I try to act as if it's nothing, in a vain attempt to panic less, but it never works.

I have begun to toss between two feelings, two reactions. At first I will feel the awful emotion of resentment bubbling up inside me, causing heat to roll over my body and judgement to take over. Then the inevitable wave of sadness will roll in, not only extinguishing the heat of resentment, but also all inclinations I had towards making friends. I will begin to question whats the point? I don't need friends, my parents don't really go out much, and they're perfectly happy, so why should I need friends? I'd get more work done, save money. And then the resentment will roll in again, at my situation and lack of company, which will have often been made worse by my secondary feelings and lack of trying.

I'm at the point now where I don't know what to do. Most people have made those life long friends you make at Uni, they have best friends already, and no need for another, especially someone as shy and insecure as me. And no amount of dressing nice and looking good is going to change that. I just don't know what to do, how to overcome my fears, and as the long summer months roll in, it becomes all the harder to make any sort of change.
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