Saturday, 20 December 2014

Moving On




Sometimes, as I sit down to write posts, I wonder if I am revealing a little too much of my self to strangers. Talking about your feelings and battles to the interent seems like a strange and self-obsorbed task to some people, but to me it is the best form of therapy I have found.

Recently I made a mistake, and as a result of that mistake, or that decision, I ended my relationship, one that had been going on for over a year. At first I felt as if a weight had been lifted. I had been so consumed and weighed down by my own thoughts and feelings that it was disrupting my life, and more dangerously affecting my health. It was the first time that I had taken a step back, realised what was affecting my health, my depression, my anxeity, and my decreasing weight, and put a stop to it. It was the first time I had actively helped myself, and all I felt was guilty and selfish.

But my life carried on, and I began going out and about again, putting on weight, and even going on a date. I thought I was finally happy. My family had been terrified, the last time one of my relationships ended I had not dealt with it well, and they didn't want to see me unhappy, or see the increased food bill each week as copious amounts of ice cream were consumed. But this time felt different, I still loved my boyfriend yes, and I would miss him, but I had finally made a decision based entirely on myself, and I felt as if I was learning.

I even wanted to be friends with my ex, I was so proud of myself and my decision that I felt like I was invicible. Nothing could deter me. I even considered writing a post about a healthy break up. Then we went for coffee, and one sentence, one little bit of news brought my decision, my confidence, my invicibility all crashing down.

I wasn't quite sure why I suddenly felt this huge gaping hole in my chest and the bile rising in my throat, when I hadn't even felt like that five minutes after our break up. I couldn't stand that everything I thought, and everything I felt had suddenly been snatched away from me.

I thought that I was moving on, but no I feel as if I have been thrown five steps backwards. I am tired of feeling as if I am forever going backwards, and just wish that I could move forward again. But one of the beautiful things about humans is that we keep on fighting through adversity, through the tough times and the set backs. I know that I will get back up, and keep on plodding, keep on moving, and when I do, I will have become a stronger person as a result
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8 comments

  1. You are feeling the emotions of many others who have suffered the same experience, things may be black at the moment but you must gather your thoughts and be positive, remember there is someone out there who is right for YOU.
    kisses
    Julia

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    1. Thank you Julia, I am trying to stay positive, the problem is it wasn't the person, but the distance. Hopefully things will get better, thank you H xx

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  2. Like you said, humans have to ability to push through things and move on - if we couldn't do that then we wouldn't survive! Just try and stay positive for now, and I always find that good things unexpectedly come into your life, even when you are the lowest of the low :)

    The Velvet Black // UK Style & Beauty Blog

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    1. Thank you Alice, I am hoping that something good will happen soon :) H xx

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  3. This post made me think of one of my favourite quotes: "Everything will work out in the end. If it hasn't worked out, it isn't the end." Hang in there - we all go through tough times but they're what make us stronger in the end.
    xox,
    Cee
    www.cocoandvera.com

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    1. Thank you Cee, that is such a beautiful quote, I am definitely going to right that down and put it on my wall at Uni H xx

      www.hopesgone.blogspot.co.uk

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  4. I'm sorry to hear about the pain you've been through, I think you're incredibly strong to be able to continue being friends with your ex, as well as getting healthy and keeping up the socialising! Hope 2015 is a fantastic year for you lovely! xx

    Rags of Love-Alternative London Fashion and Beauty Blog

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    1. Thank you lovely, it is hard, but I am sure we will both be greatful for our friendship in the long run. Wishing you an awesome 2015 too! H xx

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