Friday, 31 October 2014

Finding Myself




I never thought I would be one of those cliche people, who when they got to University would begin questioning who they really were, and who they were really meant to be.

I have been at University for just over a month now, and already I have made some big mistakes, that have got me questioning what kind of person I really am. I never thought I would make the mistakes I have; I never thought I would be the girl I see myself becoming, and it terrifies me.

My Mum used to always say to me that Univeristy was a time for change, a time for growing and discovery. I always used to laugh it off as one of those cliche sayings every parent tells their child before they go off to University, but now I am wondering whether may be she was right.

Confusion is something I am feeling constantly, something that swirls around inside me and makes me feel nauseous and stops me from eating. I keep wondering when things will fall into place, or even how to make them fall into place. I can't go on feeling like I am forever, I feel as if that were to happen I would just wither away. I don't know whether I am supposed to be riding it out, or actively grabbing life by the balls and screaming 'To fuck with it!!'

They say that with adulthood comes responsibility, but what if I am not ready? What if I want to turn back the clocks and go back to much simpler times, where I knew where I was going, who I was, and who I wanted to be. I always wanted to be a hero, and I used to beleive that one day a would be; someone brave, kind and honest, who everyone looked up to in awe. But now I feel that I can never be the hero, I feel rotten, rotten to my core, and more like Hades than Hercules. And the thing about heroes, is yeh, they have a rough time, but they always pull through in the end, where as the Hades of this world sink into oblivion.

I feel trapped, I feel alone, and I feel so terribly confused. I feel as if not knowing who I am or who I want to be is like going through life in denial. Trying to avoid the inevitable, trying to hide from life itself. I never thought University would make me question myself so much. I knew it would change me, I knew it would be tough, but I never knew it would make me doubt myself. Make me question everything I was and everything I had come to be. And until I figure out who I am, until I untaggle the webs of confusion that seem to spread throughout my entire body, I will continue to free fall.

And that's the problem. Although the falling is nerve wracking and confusing, it is the landing that hurts. The realisation once you hit the ground. And that is what I am truely afraid of. That when I land, I won't recognise myself, I won't know who I have become, or be what I once was. And it is that, that truely hurts.

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4 comments

  1. I wish I had some great advice for you. I am 28 and I have been there many times. Your writing is really beautiful xx

    www.didipie.blogspot.co.uk

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Elouise, I think it is something we all go through time and time again, I just never thought it would be me xx

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