Sunday, 14 September 2014

Grief




Grief is something that affects us all at some point in our lives. And the sudden overwhemling feelings of loss, and the realisation that that friend, father, mother, beloved pet or grandparent is gone forever can be crushing.

I have found recently that people have different ways of dealing with their grief. For some, like my father, who go about their daily lives as normal, coping with their feelings of loss by keeping themselves busy and living their lives is the best way. Then there are those among us who vocalise their feelings, talk about them, cry about them, wear them on their face becasue the pain of loss is too much for them to hide. Then there are those like myself, who throw themselves into caring for the people whose loss is the greatest. I never feel as if I can grieve, for someone elses loss is greater than my own, it happens everytime, it was their mother, their father, their only parent, my sister only had my grandmother for 11 years, as opposed to my 17 years.

On Thursday we lost my Uncle suddenly, a middle aged man who just dropped down dead. The shock of it shook all of us, but my first thoughts were of my cousins, who had lost their father, and of my Aunt, who had lost her husband. And as we travelled down to take care of them, to console them and help them in any way they desired, I panicked. For how do you console someone whose loss is that great, is that sudden and all consuming. Then there was the guilt I felt for my fear, they had lost their father, their husband, and yet I was panicking on how to act and behave. But on arrival I learnt, all people need is someone to talk to, they do need your sympathys, but more than anything they do not want your pity. They do not want you to don black, stop everything and enter that all consuming grief they are feeling: that is what funerals are for. I learnt that the best way to help someone is to just be normal, don't treat them differently than you ever would just because they have lost someone. Yes, allow them to break down and cry and feel grief when they need to, but most of the time they need somone there to distract them from themselves and their thoughts. If they allow themselves to be eaten away by their own grief, then they too will fall into darkness.

Maybe one day, hopefully a long way down the road, it will be my turn to grieve and let other people help me, teach me that life can go on, not in the same way, but a new and different way. God forbid I ever loose a husband, and parent or a soul mate, then it will be my turn to grieve, and that is what family are for. But for now I am going to be here for my family, for my cousins who lost a father, my Aunt who lost her husband, and for my cousins Grandmother who lost her only child. That is where I am needed, and that is where I shall be.
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3 comments

  1. I lost my mother a few years ago to cancer and I guess I act like your father. Keeping busy and just realising that life does go on. I think it is often harder to be the person who provides support because it's just awkward. It's hard to know what they want or what they need, and for me personally, it just aggravated me when people said the "wrong things". But I had to realise that it's not their fault and they weren't being malicious. It's hard for everyone involved I think.

    Wishing the best for you and your family.

    http://dignifiable.blogspot.com

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  2. Oh, I am sorry to hear that. And yeh, it is hard to know what someone, but you just need to accept their feelings nd outbursts and help each other through. Thank you H xx

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